Living in the Moment..

This picture explains my life right now. It's hectic, full of emotions and change. My life has changed over a day. I got some news about my health. I am now HIV Positive. That's a huge thing for me to say-type out. It's a major... Something that I could pass on to someone and yet it's manageable. The shock of hearing I was positive was upsetting. I broke down and cried. I have felt like I wanted to give up. Feeling like dying was the best solution. I have talked with many friends that are HIV poz and it hasn't stopped them from living a normal life. My life expectancy will go down by a year or two. But i know I am going to live forever. So now I am at the stage of my life where I don't know where to go. I am scared and unsure of what's going to happen next. Please keep me in your thoughts and hearts!

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Derek

Working hard for.....

Nothing.... It seems that way in life for many people. Why do we work so hard for really nothing. The saying goes "Hard work never killed anybody." Well it has me. Why am I working so hard. I can barely keep myself afloat. I put in so much time with work and get paid for very little. My boss pushes me to work harder and yet it seems like my paychecks are the same. I hate not getting more money when I work so fucking hard for it. Why can't some one rich just give me some money for I can be set for a while. I really want to switch jobs. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but it takes so much out of me. Physically and emotionally. Physically I'm on my feet and using my body to teach my students to express themselves. Teaching late night or sometimes early in the mornings.

Emotionally.... It takes so much. Pouring my heart and soul teaching for so much. Teaching the characters of the dance. Being passionate, driving myself to teach more, transferring my emotions and energy to my students. It harder than your think. If some of my students can't feel that it's harder for me. I love dance, I am passionate about it. When I dance I am a different person. I am filled with my emotions but at the end of the dance a part of me is gone... Maybe it's time for a change....

Do you agree?

"Don't cry out"

Over my life time I have had great relationship and horrible ones as well. Many times over the relationships we all change and sacrifices things to make the other one happy. But in turn it makes us bitter or resentful of our partner. Trying to make them desire us more but in turn pulls you away from each other. Soon the flames of passion burn out. But one thing that I have learned from my relationships is that I should always be happy with myself.

As you can see in the picture above by Mary Karaplis. All you "need is a positive attitude...and a knife!" This whole week I have been thinking positive. It has changed my outlook on my life. If I give out positive energy it will be return more and awesome. I've been running, eating well and keeping good energy with friends! I love it! I am making myself happy. I don't need a man but it does help! Plus listening to music by Metric, Little boots, Ladyhawke, Shiny Toy Guns and more. Watch out world... Mama's coming out!

Grandpa

Twelve years have passed since the death of my grandfather Leroy F. Ward. His birthday was this past weekend. He would of be 91. He was born in the 1920 in Thermal California. He moved to the Siskiyou country which is in the northern part of California. He was a logger, teacher's aid and a bus driver for the local high school called Happy Camp where my grandmother still lives currently.

He served in World War II from 1942 to 1946. I remember him telling me stories about shoot the japanese and other horror stories about war. He was a charter and life member of the VFW Post in Happy Camp. He enjoyed fishing and hunting. Watching his grandchildren grown.

My best memory I have of my grandfather was when I was a child. Each summer our parents would sent two or three of us kids to spent time with our grandparents. Well my grandfather would take us to the local dump with him to unload the trash or other junk we no longer needed. I remember there was brown bears there. It was the first time I ever saw a bear in my life. My grandfather brought some sandwiches with us. After we unloaded the brown truck, we sat there eating our sandwiches and tossing a few chunks to them. The time I spent with him bonding over nature and bears made me love him even more. Taking the time to talk to me about the things in nature and about the life he was lived and not to talk things lightly. To fight for what I believe in and that I can become whatever I wanted.

I miss him deeply. There are times I want to call him up and ask for advice or for one more bear hugs. One last kung fu kick from him, or a lift up. My grandfather was 6'6'.

I alway think about you Grandpa Leroy.

When did I grow up?

I think when I was 12. That was the first time I had to make a decision.

Nowdays I am faced with having a job, bills, dog care, drinking, cooking dinner, taking care of myself and making sure I'm well. What happened to the time when I would get sick and be able to stay home with my mother, watch her stories and some cartoons. Where has the time passed when she would making dinner and all I had to do was learn about simple subject and get good grades. Or the time when she would read me a story and rub my face til I feel asleep. Being a grown up sucks donkey balls. There are a few perks but I think that having someone else take care of me is better. But when I made that decision to start cooking dinner and cleaning the house and getting a paper route to help pay bills. That is when I grew up. And boy did it suck. Instead of being able to sleep in I was up throwing papers from a bike that I bought with some of the money that I saved from my paper route and odd jobs I did. On top of that having farm animals in the city was not as easy chore too. If anyone want to make up for the lost time I have been working for feel free to come relieve me. When did you grow up?

When does one give up...

On hope...

First we need to define the word hope.

hope

  noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

–noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There islittle or no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

I am using it as 1. is doing so. A feeling... what makes this feeling. When it feels like everything is turning against you. Where does one turn too? Friends, family, support groups? A partner. One thing I have learned about myself is that i like to run away from my problems. Whether it be exchanging words with a friend or partner. A bill that i can't pay or some other major. I have in the past ran away. I ran away from family before, partners, bills, and now myself. What makes one do such things. Being ashamed..full of emotions, not knowing how to get out. Sometimes i believe that my hope is over. I believe that someways that if i disappeared that my life would be better. I could start a fresh life and no one would know me. I thought this method would work for me. Until I met a partner who supports me.

Tonight life hit him and all i could do was yell at him. I was not supportive as he is to me. I did not understand why he was so emotional. What was going on in his life. What could of upset him. I instead turned on him. Making him feel worst, closing himself from me. I felt like I have let him down. All the support he has given me I turned myself into a Jackass. I promise from here on out, that I will try to be supportive in my partner. Only in a calm and respective way. No more turning in around on him. I will listen to him and be there for him.

No more running away!

...Is this thing on...

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things that we might have been. "
-Dave Matthews

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really ever reads my blog...

I have been trying to find my voice and everything I think I write something awesome that everyone enjoys. I feel like it wasn't take good enough to please everyone. I have been watching my sitemeter and mostly my hits come from the blog postings "A dingo ate my baby" or Utada Hikaru. Those seem to the the popular ones that people google and my blog comes up first. Maybe i am just being a child about this, but I like feedback on my postings. I give everyone my feedback on the topics bloggers write either daily or weekly. And feedback is a way I can strengthen my blog and find my voice. I guess i just don't understand or maybe that I feel left out..

But i would like to give a huge thank you to the ones out there that do read my blog and take the time to comment or write me a funny story. Those make my day and i feel like i actually belong and people care that i exist! I know that this is just a feeling i have but I like feeling accepted and important. It's like that episode of Ugly Betty where she won a Blobby, and there was only like 14 people that read her blog.(they called themselves betty heads) But when Daniel Meade said all these things about when she first started and didn't fit in. Than Betty wrote on her blog about than got a shitload of comments about they fight they had and everyone found out it was Daniel. In the end Daniel made up for what he said and Betty was happy. In a way from that episode I am Betty except with not braces, red glasses or brown hair. She just wanted to feel accepted and have something to be proud of. So Thank you for reading.

Derek

Life in General.

Today was a great day.

Over the weekend John's parents came up for a overnight to see the new kitchen and catch up with our lives. I made a wonderful, mouth watering Beef Bourguignon, Caesar salad and sourdough toast. But we finished off dinner with homemade Creme Burlee. The flavors were outrageous and full of life. The beef just melted into your mouth. Pared with the Caesar, bread and wine it was so tasty. The creme burlee was so delicious. The combination for eggs, heavy creme, sugar and caramelized burnt sugar on top was heavenly. John's parent i knew were very impressed with my cooking. His mother kept telling me i should go to culinary school and make a career out of it. After dinner we watched the movie/slide show of our time in Australia. They both enjoyed it and made them laugh. We than both said our good nights and went to sleep.

This morning John and I went shopping today instead of watching super bowl.(We both don't follow the match. LOL) We headed to downtown Seattle which no one was really down there. We stopped at Nordstroms for new shoes for John. He got a great pair for work. Old Navy for me. I got some great clothing there. Express for me again.(Got a Fabulous coat there) Than to the Levi's store for John to get him some black Levi's. The look great on him. Than to Gamestop to get me a game for the PS3 that i wanted.

After shopping John suggested that we go see a movie. Single man is a great movie that you can relate too in so many way. I believe everyone needs to see it. After the movie we came home with our bounties from the day. I played my new game and John worked on the dishwasher. At dinner time, we enjoyed our company and watched another classic movie with our schnauzers babies.

I loved this day. I love spending time with my family! I did not want this day to end!

In 2014....

"Always have a dance routine choreographed, rehearsed and ready to go in case you are unexpectedly reunited with an old friend and wish to celebrate by dancing in front of a crowd."

I believe that my Ten year high school Reunion will go something from Romy and Michelle's High school Reunion. I will be Michelle(pictured in the pink) Played by Lisa Kudrow. Getting to the point i am getting to. Is that i want to have a group of my friends basically re-enact the dance scene from this movie! I would love to just have this song come one and everyone on the dance floor look around and see other classmate and myself come out and dance to this. It would be a big hit. But what i really am getting at is that i want to do something great in my life. Finish schooling, have babies, travel more, write a book, get ahead of my career, be a great photographer, learn to play the guitar, or become a fashion Designer. I want to have more meaning into my life. I want to start to change lives. I want to be successful in mine! I want to make people happy, and not have to tell them some like "I invented Post-Its." Which would be great but sadly i did not.

Enjoy the dance scene that i will be working on!

My life through songs!

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle. (use everything whether you like it or not)
3. Press play. (no skipping songs)
4. For every item, type the song and band that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.

Of course, there's not supposed to be any cheating - it is kind of funny how some songs end up matching so well and some... not so much. And away we go...

Opening Credits: More Than a Woman-Bee Gees
Lol got that right

Waking Up: Dirty- Christina Aguilera

Oh i guess i am dirty...rawr

Average Day: Still the Same-Bob Seger

I guess i gamble daily...ummm

First Date: Build me up Buttercup- The Foundations..

OMG i love this song. Such a great one.

Love Scene: Physical-Olivia Newton-John

ha ha ha enough said

Fight Scene: Break my Stride-Matthew Wilder

True that!! No one will Break mine! I got to keep on Moving

Breaking Up: Boys-Britney Spears

Umm...unless it's a dancing break up!

Making Up: Could i have this kiss forever-Whitney Houston/Enrique Iglesias

Sadly it's not a good song to make out too.

Secret Love: La Tortura- Shakira

It's a great secret lover song to shake your hips too! Awesome!

Life's Okay: Material Girl- Madonna
Lol "We are living in a Material World and i am a Material Girl!"

Mental Breakdown: Mamma Mia- Abba

Oh my... "look at me now....will i ever learn"

Driving: Dreams-Fleetwood Mac
I love anything by Fleetwood Mac. This is a great driving song for me! I just want to go anywhere.

Deep Thought: Maneater- Hall & Oats
umm.. What is this telling me??

FlashBack: Cover Girl- Rupaul

"Covergirl, put the base in your walk... head to toe, let your whole body talk"

Partying: I wear my glasses at Night-Cory Hart

"Don't switch a blade on a guy in shades...Oh no!!"

Happy Dance: Freedom! '90 George Michael

This is my happy dance when i am running, showering, making dinner. There is something about George Michael that makes me get happy/dirty.

Regretting: The Mating Game-Bitter:Sweet

Yes, the mating game is something to regret at times.

Long Night Alone: Lovegame-Lady Gaga

"I want to take a ride on your DISCO STICK!"

Final Battle: Sanctuary-Utada Hikaru

I love this song. It makes a great battle song. "Angels in Flight"

Death Scene: Careless whisper-Wham

Such a way to go!

Closing Credits: Safety Dance- Men without Hats.

"You can dance if you want too, you can leave your friends behind"