Just so you know, I am sorry that i look all sweaty, casue i was, but this is is Idle eyes and dormy...
He is so great, smart, and funny. I wanted to do this well i told him i work. So
enjoy!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Love is a battlefield..
What can i say, i am a sucker for love. I love to be in love. I love to be next to the person i love, touching them, kissing, flirting, looking into their eyes. I mean what is not to love about that feeling. Well recently my boyfriend tried to break up with me. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. Be torn from the person you are trying to love and understand. The person you want to grow older with and create more memories. The one who you can turn to and ask for advice. The one you want to wake up next to and cuddle with. At first i was very upset, i didn't sleep well for about the first two days. I kept thinking to myself, what did i do wrong, what can i do to better myself. Well the fact was it was not me, it was my boyfriend. You see we have a 20 years gap between us. Yes i know that you are thinking, "Wow that is a lot!!" Well it's not. I do not see my boyfriend as a 43 year old man. I see him as the caring, loving, hard working, travel setter, schnauzer loving, sexy man that i love. I know that many people judge us base on our age. But let you tell you something. Most guys my age are whores, thinking only about their looks and try to be trendy. While me on the other hand, i know i a handsome but i do not ask everyone i see, "Do i look pretty/hot?" "Buy me a drink!" Plus guys my age are full of themselves and do not know what they want out of life. I have grown up lots from helping raise my family when my mother was working two jobs and going to night school. I know that i want already. I want a family, a career, a marriage. I want family vacations to somewhere i can spend a vast amount of time with my children and yet at the same time get away with my husband. I want to be the parent that would whisk my kids off to sporting practice/activity. In others words be a "soccer mom". I want my kids growing up with me. To know how much i care and love them. To take a bullet for them. To give them things i didn't have and to teach them to work hard.
Well my boyfriend came down this weekend to talk about our relationship. All good things in way we can make our relationship stronger. We talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams, why do we like things about a the person, and dislikes. What was our stronger points and weak ones. We both spent a wonderful weekend out in the sun, eating, drinking, spending time with one another. I love him and he know i am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.
Derek aka princessa
Well my boyfriend came down this weekend to talk about our relationship. All good things in way we can make our relationship stronger. We talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams, why do we like things about a the person, and dislikes. What was our stronger points and weak ones. We both spent a wonderful weekend out in the sun, eating, drinking, spending time with one another. I love him and he know i am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.
Derek aka princessa
Monday, July 20, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My evil Twin
This is Derek Stubbs. Derek is a public speaker by day, and a comic book illustrator was well. Derek i would say is my counterpart. He is so funny, smart, handsome, wise and someone you better know. I first encountered Derek at Stumptown comic con. His comic are great but his personality will win you over. Derek is a lot like me in ways. We both are loud, hilarious, say what is on our minds, can talk about anything, love to use big hand gestures and very animated. Tonight i met Derek down on the streets of Mississippi were we had beer and wine and ate. We talked about family, my talk with my father, relationship's, life experience, and life in general. I did not know Derek was a father, as well that he was a public speaker, or that we rides his bike. We both kept joking about throwing the table at each other or the people around us. Many of our jokes were said loudly and using our animated gesture, we cleared the back patio. Our waiter loved us. The part of the night that made me grow a bit closer to Derek was when this family with two girls were flirting. He was so animated with the girls. They were eating him and his personality up. He gave the oldest of the girls a rock. Her eyes light up with joy as she shyly picked the purple rock from Derek's hands. She said her thank you to him and told her it was his pleasure. Derek is an amazing guy that if you get to met him, it's an honor.
Derek Chavez
Derek
click here to view derek's website
Friday, July 17, 2009
Bike vs. Car
my bike weights about 15 pounds
a car weights 3180 pounds
the top speed of a bicycle is 30mph
the top speed of a car is 195mph
Today this morning at 8:30 am. I Derek Chavez was hit on my bicycle going to work right in front of city hall. Upon the impact of the hit, the first thing that i was thinking of was holy shit, i just got hit by a car. The lady passed me in her car thinking she get around me, until she saw the other people crossing the street. As she turned i was passing her. Bang, i was up on the hood of her car. She jumped out of her car screaming and in panic, wondering if her car was ok. Hi i told her, "I'm up on your hood." Than she started to yell at me, saying she couldn't see me. I was shocked from the impact still. i climbed down from the car and told her that when she passed she saw me in full view. She paused for a second, than it hit her, it was her fault, i had the right away. She and i exchanged info and i was on my way. What a way to start my day. I went to work and told them what happened. Shocked as well, they sent me home so i could go to the doctors and the bike shop. I bussed to the doc's and all is well. No broken bones, not a scratch. I will be sore tomorrow. I went to the bike shop to see if any damage was done. The guy at the shop checked my bike for free after i told him what happen. He was really nice and i was relieved to hear the bike was still in the same working order.
So the morel of my story is...be safe!
a car weights 3180 pounds
the top speed of a bicycle is 30mph
the top speed of a car is 195mph
Today this morning at 8:30 am. I Derek Chavez was hit on my bicycle going to work right in front of city hall. Upon the impact of the hit, the first thing that i was thinking of was holy shit, i just got hit by a car. The lady passed me in her car thinking she get around me, until she saw the other people crossing the street. As she turned i was passing her. Bang, i was up on the hood of her car. She jumped out of her car screaming and in panic, wondering if her car was ok. Hi i told her, "I'm up on your hood." Than she started to yell at me, saying she couldn't see me. I was shocked from the impact still. i climbed down from the car and told her that when she passed she saw me in full view. She paused for a second, than it hit her, it was her fault, i had the right away. She and i exchanged info and i was on my way. What a way to start my day. I went to work and told them what happened. Shocked as well, they sent me home so i could go to the doctors and the bike shop. I bussed to the doc's and all is well. No broken bones, not a scratch. I will be sore tomorrow. I went to the bike shop to see if any damage was done. The guy at the shop checked my bike for free after i told him what happen. He was really nice and i was relieved to hear the bike was still in the same working order.
So the morel of my story is...be safe!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Baseball
Normally i would not go to baseball games due to when i was younger i was the one out in the field picking daisy's and being a huge Mo out in the outfield. Once i was playing on a team and the pop fly came out and as i looked up, there came the ball and *whack* right in the eye. I fell down and woke up a few minutes later to my coach asking if i was ok? Here are some pictures i took using the HD settings on my camera. Drinking beer, watching the game, and hanging out with two great guys. What more could i ask for... Well that someone special to be there too.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Childhood.
This is what i want to share with you. These are the childhood to teenage homes i have lived in. All of my memories are there and i wish you share them with you.
This is the first house i ever lived him. My parents just moved there in the year of 1988 to have my sister born. I remember this house was so close to the elementary school i went too. I remember our neighbors who are still there today, i would go to their house for cookies and would stay there til one of my parents would come home from work.(Another blog will come from this.) But shortly after my sister was born we moved no even a mile away it was about 10 blocks down the street on Broadway. It was our green house.
This is the house i have the most memories about. The house which is picture is no longer the house i grew up in. The burnt down my childhood home in the early 90's to built this now standing bank. But the house was a one story house with attic, painted green. Lots of trees for the climbing. I remember our huge backyard which my father had a farm here. Cows, pigs, chickens, goats, a garden, a dog, blackberry bushes in the summer, and a extra storage house that we later converted into a club house. This is the house where i would get beaten by my father in, Where i started to wear my mother's pumps, where mattress fort's came to life, where my first best friend would come over to play, where my family grew up at. I was raised in this house til i was in middle school. So 7Th grade.
Backyard where all the animals would roam!
This is the third house i grew up in. This one was just one block east of last house. Lived on the street of 13Th and Everett. The house was blue when we moved in as you can see it is white now. I shared a room with my three brothers, while my mother and sister had their own rooms. I hated this house. This is the house when my parents started to have problem, and i was hitting to be a teenage.I was in middle school when we moved to his house, Which was just a short walk to there. But this house has some great memories of family coming to Xmas and birthdays of friends and family members. This house was small but it kept us close together.
This is the final house i grew up in. This was all four years of high school. Huge parties, my first sexual exp happened in this house, where teammates would come over to hang out. Many great family history and fights happened. The house was almost a three bedroom house. My brothers shared the room with me. So most of the time i slept on the couch to leave them there. This house was about 10 block away north from the last house and the first house we ever lived in was one block west. So my family basically lived really close to all of our houses. The neighbors we had here. Only one of them are still there. This was a house i both loved and hated. Mostly due to the over amount of drug use my brothers brought home.
But there you have it. Those are the houses i grew up in. All of them at different points and times of my life. I treasure them all, but mostly miss my childhood home i really grew up in.
Princessa Derek
This is the first house i ever lived him. My parents just moved there in the year of 1988 to have my sister born. I remember this house was so close to the elementary school i went too. I remember our neighbors who are still there today, i would go to their house for cookies and would stay there til one of my parents would come home from work.(Another blog will come from this.) But shortly after my sister was born we moved no even a mile away it was about 10 blocks down the street on Broadway. It was our green house.
This is the house i have the most memories about. The house which is picture is no longer the house i grew up in. The burnt down my childhood home in the early 90's to built this now standing bank. But the house was a one story house with attic, painted green. Lots of trees for the climbing. I remember our huge backyard which my father had a farm here. Cows, pigs, chickens, goats, a garden, a dog, blackberry bushes in the summer, and a extra storage house that we later converted into a club house. This is the house where i would get beaten by my father in, Where i started to wear my mother's pumps, where mattress fort's came to life, where my first best friend would come over to play, where my family grew up at. I was raised in this house til i was in middle school. So 7Th grade.
Backyard where all the animals would roam!
This is the third house i grew up in. This one was just one block east of last house. Lived on the street of 13Th and Everett. The house was blue when we moved in as you can see it is white now. I shared a room with my three brothers, while my mother and sister had their own rooms. I hated this house. This is the house when my parents started to have problem, and i was hitting to be a teenage.I was in middle school when we moved to his house, Which was just a short walk to there. But this house has some great memories of family coming to Xmas and birthdays of friends and family members. This house was small but it kept us close together.
This is the final house i grew up in. This was all four years of high school. Huge parties, my first sexual exp happened in this house, where teammates would come over to hang out. Many great family history and fights happened. The house was almost a three bedroom house. My brothers shared the room with me. So most of the time i slept on the couch to leave them there. This house was about 10 block away north from the last house and the first house we ever lived in was one block west. So my family basically lived really close to all of our houses. The neighbors we had here. Only one of them are still there. This was a house i both loved and hated. Mostly due to the over amount of drug use my brothers brought home.
But there you have it. Those are the houses i grew up in. All of them at different points and times of my life. I treasure them all, but mostly miss my childhood home i really grew up in.
Princessa Derek
Sunday, July 12, 2009
fatherly Talk.
My trip to North bend was to talk about my feeling towards my father. The way that i fear men at his age when i was a child. Men that are in their 20's/30's and his current again 40's. When i first got his phone call that morning telling me to come to his house at 6pm, i was ready. I felt confident, strong, powerful. As i pulled up to my father's mobile home, all the feelings that i have suppressed over the years started to come forwards. Pictures in hand, i walked up the path, took a breath and knocked on his door. My father's girlfriend/mistress/the woman he had an affair with greeted me at the door. I asked where my father was she told me he went to the store and to have me wait for him. I sat there with my step brother, his two sisters and his mom. My step brother Ismael jr. Looks like me when i was younger. He is into video game like me. He is so funny. Gettin tall. Enter my father now from the store.
I Sit there, my heart racing, wondering what he was thinking, what he was going to do. I asked him finally if he was ready to talk about this. He needed to get dinner started and we can talk after. I sat there for an hour waiting til he finished. I said bye to my brother and his sisters and his mom as the left to their house. Then come one the biggest life changing things in my life. There in my father's living room we sat in quiet for a moment. I started off, "Dad i am here to talk to you about my life when i was younger and to ask you somethings." Dad why were you never involved in my life as a child and a teenager? He started with i was busy trying to support your family. Why couldn't you atleast try to come to some major events in my life that meant something to me. Like my District Swim meet or my State Meet.
Dad- You never invited me.
Me- That is not true dad, I wrote you a letter about where it was at and i called you 10 times to remind you.
Dad- Oh that was the time i called you to tell you i was going to be late and i left a message at the house but i think you were already gone.
Me- I looked for you at my meet, my brother's were there, my sister in law, nephew, sister, and mother. You could of came no matter how late you were. The fact is that you didn't come.
Dad- I guess i forgot about it.
Me- You could of called me the next day and explained why you didn't come.
Dad- i was busy.
Me- Why didn't you come to my graduation?
Dad- I did come.
Me- you only came to the house to say hi. I looked for you in the crowd, do you know how this makes me feel knowing that you were not there?
Dad- I was there, i was next to your mom.
Me- No, she told me you never came, even my sister told me. Why didn't you stay to greet me when they walked my class to the football field.
dad- What is in your hand?
Me-Pictures of me and my boyfriend, would you like to see them?
dad- (thinking)........No i'm not ready for that.
Me- ok, well dad i want to tell you that i fear you and i need this talk to clear up things in my life, Why did feel like in was necessary to hit us kids?
Dad- I didn't always hit you, When i did i knew you need it. It was going to make you stronger.
Me- Stronger dad... It made me fear you, hate grew within me. I feared for my life at times, remember when you would bear infront of other family members?
Dad-i never beat you infront of members of our family. I always took you aside and hit you.
Me-Dad that is a lie, Ask any of our family members they will tell you that i was the one who go hit the most for no reason.
dad- I hit everyone the same.
Me- Do you know how that makes me feel when you hit my mother in front of me? Do you know how many times i wanted to hurt you, to make you feel the pain you gave to the only one that loved me?
Dad- Are you blaming me for you being a Fag, a queer, a gay?
Me- No, i don't blame you for me being gay, I blame you for never telling me that your proud of me, hugging me, or telling me you love me. Never showing emotion.
Dad- I am sorry. (starts to cry) I'm sorry for the life i raised you. For not being there. Do you know what our family went thru when you were young?
Me- You made the money and mom stayed home til us kids were old enough to help take care of the money.
Dad- I wanted 12 kids, a house, a farm with lots of animals. When i met your mother she already had 2 kids that i claimed as my own, after your sister was born you mother didn't want any more kids (me- I don't blame her) times were tough for us. I would only have 10 dollars after all the bills were paid, i would get drink off of 10 dollars do you know how much i would drink?
Me- yes you can drink a lots with 10 dollars... It's called happy hour and cheap beer.
dad- Your a smartass, but the greatest thing i loved when you kids were younger was after dinner everyone would eat ice cream.
Me- i never got ice cream, what dream are you living in?
Dad- We always had ice cream and would watch unsolved mysteries.
Me- well i don't remember that. why did you cheat on mom.
dad-She told me that she wanted to see other people.
Me- Why did you bring your mistress to Disneyland with us?
dad- I don't know... (thinks) Maybe i needed help with the bill.
Me- Dad, can you accept me as your son and my lifestyle?
Dad- ....... I don't think i can.
Thus i told my father bye and thank you for having this talk with me. He gets up, Hugs me and tell me he loves me.
Overall my talk was ok. i got to hear things about my life and things that was sorry and things that would of changed!
I Sit there, my heart racing, wondering what he was thinking, what he was going to do. I asked him finally if he was ready to talk about this. He needed to get dinner started and we can talk after. I sat there for an hour waiting til he finished. I said bye to my brother and his sisters and his mom as the left to their house. Then come one the biggest life changing things in my life. There in my father's living room we sat in quiet for a moment. I started off, "Dad i am here to talk to you about my life when i was younger and to ask you somethings." Dad why were you never involved in my life as a child and a teenager? He started with i was busy trying to support your family. Why couldn't you atleast try to come to some major events in my life that meant something to me. Like my District Swim meet or my State Meet.
Dad- You never invited me.
Me- That is not true dad, I wrote you a letter about where it was at and i called you 10 times to remind you.
Dad- Oh that was the time i called you to tell you i was going to be late and i left a message at the house but i think you were already gone.
Me- I looked for you at my meet, my brother's were there, my sister in law, nephew, sister, and mother. You could of came no matter how late you were. The fact is that you didn't come.
Dad- I guess i forgot about it.
Me- You could of called me the next day and explained why you didn't come.
Dad- i was busy.
Me- Why didn't you come to my graduation?
Dad- I did come.
Me- you only came to the house to say hi. I looked for you in the crowd, do you know how this makes me feel knowing that you were not there?
Dad- I was there, i was next to your mom.
Me- No, she told me you never came, even my sister told me. Why didn't you stay to greet me when they walked my class to the football field.
dad- What is in your hand?
Me-Pictures of me and my boyfriend, would you like to see them?
dad- (thinking)........No i'm not ready for that.
Me- ok, well dad i want to tell you that i fear you and i need this talk to clear up things in my life, Why did feel like in was necessary to hit us kids?
Dad- I didn't always hit you, When i did i knew you need it. It was going to make you stronger.
Me- Stronger dad... It made me fear you, hate grew within me. I feared for my life at times, remember when you would bear infront of other family members?
Dad-i never beat you infront of members of our family. I always took you aside and hit you.
Me-Dad that is a lie, Ask any of our family members they will tell you that i was the one who go hit the most for no reason.
dad- I hit everyone the same.
Me- Do you know how that makes me feel when you hit my mother in front of me? Do you know how many times i wanted to hurt you, to make you feel the pain you gave to the only one that loved me?
Dad- Are you blaming me for you being a Fag, a queer, a gay?
Me- No, i don't blame you for me being gay, I blame you for never telling me that your proud of me, hugging me, or telling me you love me. Never showing emotion.
Dad- I am sorry. (starts to cry) I'm sorry for the life i raised you. For not being there. Do you know what our family went thru when you were young?
Me- You made the money and mom stayed home til us kids were old enough to help take care of the money.
Dad- I wanted 12 kids, a house, a farm with lots of animals. When i met your mother she already had 2 kids that i claimed as my own, after your sister was born you mother didn't want any more kids (me- I don't blame her) times were tough for us. I would only have 10 dollars after all the bills were paid, i would get drink off of 10 dollars do you know how much i would drink?
Me- yes you can drink a lots with 10 dollars... It's called happy hour and cheap beer.
dad- Your a smartass, but the greatest thing i loved when you kids were younger was after dinner everyone would eat ice cream.
Me- i never got ice cream, what dream are you living in?
Dad- We always had ice cream and would watch unsolved mysteries.
Me- well i don't remember that. why did you cheat on mom.
dad-She told me that she wanted to see other people.
Me- Why did you bring your mistress to Disneyland with us?
dad- I don't know... (thinks) Maybe i needed help with the bill.
Me- Dad, can you accept me as your son and my lifestyle?
Dad- ....... I don't think i can.
Thus i told my father bye and thank you for having this talk with me. He gets up, Hugs me and tell me he loves me.
Overall my talk was ok. i got to hear things about my life and things that was sorry and things that would of changed!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Home
What can i say, Home is still the same as i left. Nothing has changed. The life i left here was only for the better Everything as i remember is still the same. The streets, The schools, house, everything. It sucks here. Why did i come back... Oh to talk with my father. That is another blog when i come back. But yeah. I got some great pictures of my childhood homes and schools i went too. Plus the places i grew up and played at. I have seen some good friends and hope other will get to see me tonight before i leave tomorrow! Well Will blog tomorrow!
Derek
Derek
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Now is the time...
"Let him go in peace"
Tomorrow i leave for good ole North Bend/Coos Bay. Population of 9,544. North Bend is home to the Southwest Oregon Regional Airport, an indoor mall, and a casino. I begin my trip from portland to Eugene. Which is about a 2 and half hour trip on train. Than My brother is going to pick me up and take me the rest of the two hours home. Once i hit North Bend, i start to get sick. I always wonder why people are still there. What is keeping them there. The reason i am going is to talk with my father about me being gay is if he wants to be apart of my life. He has never approved of my life ever since i was young. This will be the turning point into my life. I just wish that my partner john was here with me. He will be in spirit!
while i am home i will be blogging and taking some video of home and show you where i grew up at and what fun and Exciting things there are in my hometown.
So sit back and relax, This is going to be a bumpy ride!
Princessa Derek
Friday, July 3, 2009
Family
All but one person in my family has tattoo's. Most of us have more than one. I have five now. My mother has 7, my third oldest brother has 3, the first oldest has 4, and my sister has one. My family is a tattoo family. My grandparent's have them. My aunt's and uncle's have them' Growing up with tattoo's in my family not only made me curious about them, i wanted to know what each one meant and why they got it. I remember once asking my mother about her tattoo on the knuckles. She has Bubb on her Right hand and les on the other. Her nickname is bubbles from high school, her cousins gave her this first tattoo when she was 18. She got it cause at the time it was very popular to get a tattoo to show how tough you were. Plus she wanted something to show off. I guess the hand is the last place i would get tattooed! Well i got my fifth tattoo today. I got something that has a huge influence in my life. A few years ago i have lost two great people in my life that were very close to me. My grandfather Leroy F. Ward and my Aunt Rachel Ward. I loved these two with all my heart. My grandfather due to i am named after him and i get alot of my traits from him. Plus i loved listening to him talk about when he was younger and what he did in the war, and how my mother would get into mishaps. I loved when he would tell me the stories about his tattoos. The one with my grandma's name. The were in love and my g-pa wanted to show how much he loved her. He was in the army at the time and he went to the tattoo shop and got her name on his arm. When he got out he rushed over to her house to show her how much he cared. At first my grandma was displeased that my g-pa did this to his body, Until he explained why he did it, than it all came to her. I miss him very much and think about him lots. I love him mucho.
My aunt Rachel is one of my role models in my family. She is a strong woman i looked up too. She was a babe, a mink, a teacher of life to me, and took me to places i normally would not go to. She taught me about life and how to life it. She was an amazing woman. She was the only aunt that wanted to be apart of my life. She lived in Northern California and would make the trip up to see us for holiday's, family gatherings, and other important things. She had tattoo's of her kid's name on her chest, close to her heart. She loved her family every much. I remember before she passed away, She cant to my graduation. That meant so much to me. Even though she was sick, she lived her life to the fullest! Nothing was to hold her back. When i was younger i asked her about her tattoo. She told me that you only live once and to live you life the way you want to. She also told me, that family is forever. No matter how much you don't like your family, they will be there for you no matter what. Stay close to your family and it will do wonders to you. I have learned that this is true. I truly miss her as well. I sometimes wonder what if she was still here.
I chose the feather's cause we are Native Americans and the eagle feather is the highest rank in our culture. But instead of eagle i chose more Angelic feathers. They are both in better places and these are the feathers that helped them through their lives and soar up. This is my new family tattoo. Family is first. Even if there are some that don't want to be apart of my life. Well there you go. My new tattoo. And it didn't hurt much!
Princessa Derek
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)