Showing posts with label Past life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Past life. Show all posts

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Saying Good-bye for good!


Today I am saying good-bye to my past. I has brought me love, hardship, good times and bad. Vacations filled with love and fights filled with rage and hate. A time where we were in love with each other that turned into pushing each other way from one another. A time where we longed to spend time with each other to where we could barely stand each other's company. Were we wanted our dreams, hopes, love and trust to grow but instead it just ended. I am truly blessed to have gotten to know you and shared my love with you.

It hurts me more and I know you want to be friends...But that is just it.. I can't. I can't be your best friend after all we have been through. You expect me to forget about our past and just be your best mate. I can't do that. I loved you... I loved you so much... you hurt me and I hurt you. We pushed away at the end. Lost interest so to say. I will hold a spot for you in my life but nothing more.

I wish you all the best in the years to come. Being a single father for you is going to be great! I wish that I could join you but I know I need to move on. I will not forget you, but letting you go it going to be hard. I'm ok with being alone for a while. I will get to explore things that I have wanted to do and get to know more of myself as I get to. In the end of it all, I hope one day when I am ready we can be friends again.

All the best to you past life....

Derek Chavez

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

When does one give up...

On hope...

First we need to define the word hope.

hope

noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.
–noun
1.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.
a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.
grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There islittle or no hope of his recovery.
4.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.
5.
something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.


I am using it as 1. is doing so. A feeling... what makes this feeling. When it feels like everything is turning against you. Where does one turn too? Friends, family, support groups? A partner. One thing I have learned about myself is that i like to run away from my problems. Whether it be exchanging words with a friend or partner. A bill that i can't pay or some other major. I have in the past ran away. I ran away from family before, partners, bills, and now myself. What makes one do such things. Being ashamed..full of emotions, not knowing how to get out. Sometimes i believe that my hope is over. I believe that someways that if i disappeared that my life would be better. I could start a fresh life and no one would know me. I thought this method would work for me. Until I met a partner who supports me.

Tonight life hit him and all i could do was yell at him. I was not supportive as he is to me. I did not understand why he was so emotional. What was going on in his life. What could of upset him. I instead turned on him. Making him feel worst, closing himself from me. I felt like I have let him down. All the support he has given me I turned myself into a Jackass. I promise from here on out, that I will try to be supportive in my partner. Only in a calm and respective way. No more turning in around on him. I will listen to him and be there for him.


No more running away!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Unforgettable....

There are many things in this world that we do not want to forget. Dates, memories, and people. People are the ones most we think about. Living or not. Most of the time when we think about the ones we have lost, it hurts or sometimes you feel lost and do not know where to turn to. I have lost many people in my life. My grandfather, aunt, cousins, and uncle. But i have not yet known was it is like to lost a husband/partner. Someone so close to you. The one that makes you get up in the morning and sleep in the same bed. The one that you will do anything from, even if that means t's something you do not like.

While cleaning the house today, I came across a wooden box of the floor. At first I did not want to open it not knowing if there was something dangerous or not in there. But something told me to open it. I lifted up the lid and found a picture of John's last partner Gene. I stared at the picture, studying the face, clothes he wore, smile, eyes. Behind the pictures were a bunch of cards. Cards from when Gene got sick/was in the hospital, and when Gene passed away. Also were the rings John and Gene wore when they were together. I started to cry. I felt very emotional. I wanted someone to hug, to cry with. I wanted to met Gene. I know that is not possible now. But i can only know Gene by the stories and pictures John has of him. I want to know what Gene was like, what he liked to do, what was is take on life, what did he support and what did he despise. What was his favorite place in the world or time of day?

I will never get to know Gene, but his story lives on through John and everyone who knew him. What i do know is this. Now i can not take credit for writing this next part. But this will give you an Idea of who Gene was.

He was born February 1, 1956, in Eugene, Oregon, to the late Edward and Mary Uttinger.
He attended St. Peter Catholic School and graduated from Marist Catholic High School in 1974. In 1977, Gene started work at Pacific Northwest Bell. Soon he moved to Seattle to continue his career. In 1982, he met and fell in love with Martin Brandt. They spent eleven years together, including the purchase of their first home and many wonderful trips and celebrations with family and friends. They were well known in Seattle's gay community. Gene and Marty remained together until Marty's death in 1993. Gene progressed in his career as he rose through the ranks of management at the phone company, maintaining his commitment to customers through upheavals in the industry. He worked in consumer, small and large business groups, agent marketing, as well as on 911 and county government accounts. Gene was well known for his knowledge about the Centrex product. At the time of his death, Gene was working as a program manager on loan to the Washington State President for Qwest Communications. During his 30 years of service to the phone company he made hundreds of friends who admired his gentle but honest personality, his well reasoned manner, his attention to detail, and his commitment to customer service and employee morale. Gene is survived by his domestic partner of 14 years, John Carroll. They met in 1993 through John's work at the Seattle Men's Chorus and their joint attendance at Dignity Roman Catholic Mass. They were together for 14 years until Gene's sudden death - a sign of Gene's unwavering commitment to love, family and friends. Together they lived in the Queen Anne, Ames Lake, and Magnolia neighborhoods. Over the years, they adopted and loved four cats and three Miniature Schnauzers. Gene was also well known among friends and family for his love of gardening and travel. Gene and John shared trips across the U.S., throughout Europe and recently several cruises through the Caribbean, Mexico, Central America and Alaska. 
These are the rings Gene and John wore everyday while together. I know that Gene will be apart of my life now. And deep down inside we i really wish i had a chance to meet him. I often think about where i would of met him and the conversions we could of had. You are miss dearest Gene.

 Princessa.