Home.. home on the...

Rain!!!!

Portland again is where my heart is. So many friends and Friend like family. I never knew exactly how much of an impact people here made me feel. Seeing old co workers, friend of friends and hanging out with Emmy, Garbanzo and the "GIRLS".(Think of when Rupaul say to drink back the girls from his show.) The weather here is still the same but has been sunny which is great. I have been enjoying my old stomping grounds. My friend Jim from Seattle came down for a conference. In Seattle we don't have anything like Silverado's in Portland. Male strippers in a gay club. They go all the way. Jim was very into it and had a blast with some of my friends here.

Portland you have not changed! I have missed you!

Emotional....pt 2.

How emotional can one person get? How many beers or drinks does it take to make the pain you feel go away? Does one ignore this feelings and still pretends to think that everything is well?

This past week has been very emotional. Yelling, screaming, crying, and many talks. I have been working more on sharing my feelings. Monday when we went to gay skate John felt that he was skating by himself and that I was paying more attention to my friend. I did skate with him but I was there to skate and have fun. The emotional John came out that night. He was angry and upset that I didn't spend much time with him at skate. That he was the third wheel. But how can I really spent time with him if he doesn't want to talk about the things I like.(Fashion, music, etc. ) I will admit that I felt bad that i didn't spent much time with him.

Thursday, I was caught in a lie. A lie that I twisted and turn until it got out of control. I hurt the person that loves me and i felt ashamed and even took my hurt and tried to hurt him back. He was answers and I wanted to shut myself down and not talk to him. I want to run away. I wanted to hide. I felt back to the times of a child where I feared my trust within my father and the wrongful ways he bought me up. I feared that John was going to get violence with me and try to hurt me. I know John would not hurt me.

We don't spend as much time as we use to. My weekends are getting filled up with potlucks, running, social events and shopping with friends. I do enjoy my times with my friends more than I do with John. Is that wrong for me....? I feel more at tone with them due to we enjoy the same things. But this weekend it was nice. John and I went to the dog park with the babies and had a blast. At first I was about to go crazy. It was very overwhelming and I am protected of the dogs. I do not want any other dogs attacking my babies. They did great and Sophia even got a lil wet. I do wish that we would of done more after the dog park. Like go to a movie or got lunch.

I do have to write about this part of the evening. At DHW, John commented that he would like for me to be a pilot so he could fly for free. I joking called him a jerk which he took to heart. When we got home we both broke down and cried and expressed our feeling. I was brought back and saw my father's face in my mind. I felt so bad.

I think we are getting better. I will be in Portland this week. I have been looking forward to see some good friends and family there! I think this mini break will help me reflect on myself!

Thanx for reading!

Project Runway Spoiler

Congrats to you Seth Aaron Henderson from the Couve of Washington State. His style is something i could wear. I love me some punk rock. As the judges said that they were polished and he has grown. I agree! I look forward to seeing some of his clothes out there soon!

Tick Tock..

Is my clock ticking...

Today i got to hang out with a friend from the Glee Flash mob. She has a 4 month old baby boy. Big blue eyes, blonde hair, Smile like the sunrise. In other words Adorable! We went out to have a great lunch and went shopping. We came into a children's clothing store called Crazy8. It had clothes from Newborns up to kids the age of five. I found this cute light blue button up sweater with a polar bear on it. I melted when i saw there. How much would that be to dress up your child! *sigh*

I guess i will keep day dreaming!

Gay's on Skates!

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner"

-Dirty Dancing-

Nothings say Fun like Roller skating. Yesterday night, John, my friend Sam and myself when to gay 80's night. Now I love anything 80's. In fact I live for it. Being a child of the ending 80's I love it. It was a blast. Music, Costume, Sister of the Church, Drag Queens, and the Village people were there. We also met up with Errol"rad homo" and his partner Jeff. I can skate well but those two were great. Speeding by other and "shaking what their mama gave them." The only thing I wished is that the music would of stayed to 80's instead of playing some of the now pop music. I did end up with some blisters and John was knocked down but one of the skaters who was trying to be fancy. Glad he only fell on his bottom! Other than that. I want to go again!

Child

As a child I longed for my father's love and affection. While my sister and brothers got to do the things they like with him. I always stayed with my mother. Did house work, cooked, shopping, and watch her put her make up on. I guess you could say that I was destined to be gay. But what I need was my father. He was always a Manly man. Hunting for deer, fishing/crabbing, working on the house/cars, and tending to all the farm animals. In a way as a child I wanted to do all the things he wanted. I want to have a farm, the ability to hunt or fish. To know about cars. But instead I know how to cook, dress, and clean. I have had moments with my father on being masculine like shooting guns.

I remember the first time I shot a gun with him. He shot first and told me watch how he

was holding the shotgun. His Left hand at the Forestock and his right hand on the trigger.

While the butt of the gun tucked away on his right armpit/chest. His standing position was

with his feet apart and his weight more toward the front. As he aimed for the target I stood

there in awe. That was broke by the loud sound of the shotgun blasting it's bullets from the

barrel of the gun. My father than handed me the gun. I took ahold of it. I felt dumb at first. I

never shot anything in my life until that gun. I got in the same stand as he did. One hand on

trigger and the other on the Forestock. I didn't know what to expect. As I pulled the trigger

I felt the force of the gun's power go into my body. I was hit with excitement and adrenaline.

I felt Manly and Powerful. Like I could one day go hunting with him. Maybe he could take me

camping with him and show me other skills i could us. But after this time we spent together

as it started it didn't last.

When my father would come home from work. I wanted to hug him. I want to talk with him about his day. But sadly I was pushed away with all the chores of keeping the house and farm up to date. As well as the other children in my family. Mostly my sister. She was daddy's lil girl. While I just wanted to spent a moment with him that i could carry into my life. I have none.

Baby...

Full name: Amelia(Amy) Bertrand Carroll

Age 12.

Named after both John and Gene's grandmothers. Amelia enjoys sleeping all day, eating, laying in the sun, quiet time, attacking showers, growling when people hug and more sleeping. She was a gift to John from Gene for his graduation after 4 years of college. Both Amelia's parents are champions in dog shows. As puppy Amelia has been a good dog, some might say a great dog. She likes to cuddle, she's lovable, and a very obedient quiet dog. She only took about 2 months to potty train and seldom has had a accident after that. When John first made contact with Amy his thought was, "she was adorable, sweet and kind." There were about three other puppies in her litter, and she was the only black colored schnauzer in the litter. When the breeder asked John to the puppy room, the breeder took Amy out of the puppy pen and sat her on the floor , Amy immediately went to John who was sitting on the floor and climbed into his lap. John fell in love.

One of Amy's greatest characteristic is that she listens. She also will reply with a growl or a bark. One of John's greatest memories is traveling with Amy to Sonoma County and walking around town with her. She would growl and sniff, as she was excited to be somewhere new.

When Amy first met Sophia she first sniffed the puppy than looked at John with a WTF face. Amy knew she was going to be in for trouble. When Amy was a baby, she did play chase with the cat Maggie. Maggie would hide behind a corner somewhere. As Amy came closer, Maggie would spring onto Amy's back to scare her then run away. In closing Amelia is the best dog in the world!

Emotional....

If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
— Rupaul

This past weekend these words hit me hard! I come from a hard working family that was not always supportive of each other. Many fights, name callings, scars and bruises left on our bodies. A break up of a family. A father's way of showing his love by beat you. A mother's pleaded to stop with the violence. And me, someone who over the years has masked his feelings about the way i feel. What your about to read is something I have never shared with anyone in my life expect for this weekend. This is something that might worry you and to let you know that I plan on taking steps to get help.

I have thoughts of suicide over the past few months. Taking my life. To end my life because I feel like I am a burden on society. myself esteem is low and I am not worthy of love. I take this on the part of my childhood. I was

never taught to show emotions. Hold them in until you are by yourself when you can release them. My release was

dance in high school. As modern dance was putting lots of emotions into your dance. I would search within myself

and summon the emotion I was going through to get it out and dance. But now that I haven't dance for a while those

feelings I have are coming out. Many of the bad childhood memories are coming back. The ones that haunt you. The

one you wish you could run away from. The ones you wished you could go back in time and change them.

I have found it hard to cope with them. I broke down this weekend. I told John that I have had thoughts about suicide.

It's not me taking my life, but someone else. Like i would be going on a run and a man would see me running and either

stab me to death or shoot me. Another one is when John and I are in the car.While going through a intersection a car

coming towards the passenger side where I am at, would crash into me killing me instantly. Leaving John to continue

to live. I have tired to mask these feelings/thoughts but can't seem to shake them. I have never opened up about this

part of my life before. It's a hard journey for me. Something that I have thought i 'd get over. But it seems that I can't.

Talking to my father in the past hasn't gave me end i needed. I need to start new. I need help. Support. Love. Care.

I am looking into therapy. Talking with a doctor about what I am feeling about and hope that something can make me

start feeling good again.

I am happy that I can write about this, I have wanted to write about this but didn't want to alarm anyone with it. It has

taken me a lot of courage to write about this. Deep within me there are two people. There is Derek the 24 yrs adult that

can take on anything. Also there is the lost Derek who is at the age of seven to twelve. That wants the childhood

memories of his father to go away. That wants happiness, love, to make someone proud, to give love. I hope this help

you understand that I am going through.

Much love.

Derek

Live for the moment!

I love GLEE, but not as much as i love to dance! On Saturday i danced for my life! It was great. I met some great people i hope I can work

with in the future with! But enjoy this! Welcome back Glee!

Art....

As the world goes by... sometimes we want to pause and take in all the colors we can see.

Time

As time passes us every day, we get older and wiser. We sometimes lose color in our skin or hair, our strength, get wrinkles and our ability to do many of everyday task. Sometimes we lose love ones along the way. April is not a good time for my family. I have lost two of the greatest people in my life that meant so much to me. Tomorrow(April 4th) is my Aunt Rachel's Birthday. She is very missed. As the days pass on this day, I wish that I would of stopped time or visit the time before she passed. To spend countless holidays and birthdays. To hug her, feel her warmth, to be devoured by her positive energy and wisdom, but most of all, to see her beautiful smile and personality. She has been the aunt that I have loved like a second mother. The aunt I would also beg my mother to allow me to visit over the summer. The one i could talk to about anything. The aunt who would make time for my life. The one that was involved with enjoying life. That aunt that i truly truly truly miss. So Aunt Rachel, I wish you a Happy Birthday and you are missed and I love you always!

Your nephew,

Leroy (derek) Chavez

Have you?

Have you ever felt like you wanted to travel back in time?

I have. I have been reading John's family cookbook which is written by this mother and father. The book is called Recipes and Reminiscence. Many of the recipes are tasty and easy to make. But what i love the most is the reminiscence part. Many stories about special birthday dinners, Mother day, family gatherings, and other events.

In the time many of these recipes were made, the casserole era was huge and the microwave was out. Many people with large families would bake a casserole to feed their family. The part of this I am trying to get out is that I wish my childhood had family recipes and memories connections to some dished that my mother would make for me. I enjoy reading the parts about many family gathering in which someone would bless the calories out of some dessert so that everyone won't feel bad about eating it. Or how John's parents went on a picnic date. Cooked apricot-glazed cornish hens with a greek salad, some good wine and a dessert while out at San Diego State University enjoying a concert.

So many good recipes and good memories. I told John that I would of loved to travel back in time to watch some of these recipes and memories in play. See the faces of the people that enjoyed these tasty meals and what made that memory so special at the time. To even be invited to taste those foods and become part of the memory. What i would give to have some memories like that!