Saying Good-bye for good!

Today I am saying good-bye to my past. I has brought me love, hardship, good times and bad. Vacations filled with love and fights filled with rage and hate. A time where we were in love with each other that turned into pushing each other way from one another. A time where we longed to spend time with each other to where we could barely stand each other's company. Were we wanted our dreams, hopes, love and trust to grow but instead it just ended. I am truly blessed to have gotten to know you and shared my love with you.

It hurts me more and I know you want to be friends...But that is just it.. I can't. I can't be your best friend after all we have been through. You expect me to forget about our past and just be your best mate. I can't do that. I loved you... I loved you so much... you hurt me and I hurt you. We pushed away at the end. Lost interest so to say. I will hold a spot for you in my life but nothing more.

I wish you all the best in the years to come. Being a single father for you is going to be great! I wish that I could join you but I know I need to move on. I will not forget you, but letting you go it going to be hard. I'm ok with being alone for a while. I will get to explore things that I have wanted to do and get to know more of myself as I get to. In the end of it all, I hope one day when I am ready we can be friends again.

All the best to you past life....

Derek Chavez

One day...

I will have my own Super heroes!

something i find relaxing...

is cemeteries....

They are a place of mourning, a place of resting, a place to still connect with the lost of love ones. I love cemeteries due to they are so quiet. I love reading the Tombstones. I like taking pictures there. It's such a beautiful place, but knowing there are dead people buried in the ground, knowing i am not alone. Within a plot of strangers, Families, lovers, friends. Where flowers and gifts are no longer accepted among the dead. Where only memories are left, thoughts drift away, hope rest, dreams fade away. The past of many are there, and possibly the future.

Love is a battlefield..

What can i say, i am a sucker for love. I love to be in love. I love to be next to the person i love, touching them, kissing, flirting, looking into their eyes. I mean what is not to love about that feeling. Well recently my boyfriend tried to break up with me. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. Be torn from the person you are trying to love and understand. The person you want to grow older with and create more memories. The one who you can turn to and ask for advice. The one you want to wake up next to and cuddle with. At first i was very upset, i didn't sleep well for about the first two days. I kept thinking to myself, what did i do wrong, what can i do to better myself. Well the fact was it was not me, it was my boyfriend. You see we have a 20 years gap between us. Yes i know that you are thinking, "Wow that is a lot!!" Well it's not. I do not see my boyfriend as a 43 year old man. I see him as the caring, loving, hard working, travel setter, schnauzer loving, sexy man that i love. I know that many people judge us base on our age. But let you tell you something. Most guys my age are whores, thinking only about their looks and try to be trendy. While me on the other hand, i know i a handsome but i do not ask everyone i see, "Do i look pretty/hot?" "Buy me a drink!" Plus guys my age are full of themselves and do not know what they want out of life. I have grown up lots from helping raise my family when my mother was working two jobs and going to night school. I know that i want already. I want a family, a career, a marriage. I want family vacations to somewhere i can spend a vast amount of time with my children and yet at the same time get away with my husband. I want to be the parent that would whisk my kids off to sporting practice/activity. In others words be a "soccer mom". I want my kids growing up with me. To know how much i care and love them. To take a bullet for them. To give them things i didn't have and to teach them to work hard.

Well my boyfriend came down this weekend to talk about our relationship. All good things in way we can make our relationship stronger. We talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams, why do we like things about a the person, and dislikes. What was our stronger points and weak ones. We both spent a wonderful weekend out in the sun, eating, drinking, spending time with one another. I love him and he know i am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work.


Derek aka princessa

Tha hard part is over!

Last night i went through everything i wanted to keep and things i didn't. Let me tell you that i made some really hard choices on clothes to keep. I kept most of my winter clothes and got rid of most of the stuff i wore in high school and work. I Find it hard that i gave up two bags of clothes, some dishes that i do not need, a lot of papers that i did not need and some picture frames. I feel very relieved to get all the things i do not need and keep the stuff i wear daily close. I did fit all my stuff in the five large bins i first moved with. My room is bare, i have enough clothes to last me til the first when i move. I will miss my memories here, but look forward to all the news ones i will be making and will enjoy spending time with a great loving family. All changes are good for something and i believe that my change has come. I am excited to be closer to some places and get to venture out to a part of Portland i use to live. But not only that but get to be an older brother again. I can do some things that i never got to do when i was younger. Like take my sister to the park and just play, or go to the store or some place and have dinner. I cant wait to bring some joy into my friend's lives.

So i say good bye to this house in Aloha which is out in butt fuck Egypt. And Say hello to closeness, fun, and Slumber parties. I will teach the two future sisters and "how to wash your face, pluck your eye brows, and the wonders of Facial Cleansers." Everything a gay older brother would do. He he he i can not wait!


Derek

Is fearing the worst.

My roommate/other mom has i think done the worst thing in her life. She has invited another man from Louisiana to live with us. Now she has been talking with this guy for a few months now. Since December, and will he is a drug addict, slob, a father of a 5 yrs, and cause pain to others. And yet i have told her that i do not feel comfortable with having this man come live with us. She claims to "love him." But she only loves the thought of him and she has sent him money to help him out and told him about ways he can get help. I really fear that his man will break her heart and destroy her live and cause her much pain. I do not know anything about this man or what he will be doing when i am at work. I really just want to find another place to live cause of this. I am freaking out a bit about this. What the fuck!! HELP!!!

Daddy

Being a teacher to children so young really makes me want to become a father. I want a child that i can love. Make them feel so special. Share things about my life and hope to inspire them to make the most out of life. To get them interested in thing that could change their life. To cuddle them with love. Dress my child appropriate to the weather and teach them what to wear and not to. To let them know that they are loved and no matter what happens their father's are there for them. My clock is ticking.I want to have that feeling that new mother's have. Holding their baby, rocking them to sleep, playing games, feeding with a bottle' and going through the first words and steps with my baby. I really really want to be a great daddy one day. But until than. I will just keep my children at school closer to my heart!
Derek