something i find relaxing...

is cemeteries....

They are a place of mourning, a place of resting, a place to still connect with the lost of love ones. I love cemeteries due to they are so quiet. I love reading the Tombstones. I like taking pictures there. It's such a beautiful place, but knowing there are dead people buried in the ground, knowing i am not alone. Within a plot of strangers, Families, lovers, friends. Where flowers and gifts are no longer accepted among the dead. Where only memories are left, thoughts drift away, hope rest, dreams fade away. The past of many are there, and possibly the future.

I've never been good at

taking death well.

A friend of mine just had a friend pass away a week ago. Now as a child, when my grandfather passed away. I thought for the longest time that he was sleeping and would wake up and tell us that he was playing a trick. It wasn't until my aunt's death. That it really hit me. Her and my grandfather would never come back. When i realized this, my life when to shit. I started to get bad grades in school. Mind you i just started junior high when my g pa passed. I was so scared, hurt, "How could he leave me" why does this have to happen. Can i take this place. Would i ever see him again. When my aunt passed i was freshly out of high school and she had cancer. She was in a hospice being taken care of. All family there. She was sleeping, so sounds, so quiet. Til about Midnight, She shot up like a rocket. Eyes wide, staring above to the heaven as if she has received the calling of her time. I remember my grand ma telling my aunt if she was seeing the light, does she see my grandfather? If god was leading her? I stood behind everyone, tears in my eyes, know that she will never come back. I held my mother tight, know what was going to happen next. My aunt started to convulsion, she was pale, dehydrated, sweaty and yet cold. I watched as she shaked, and finally with the last breath in her body, she laid down in peace. I was in a shock of my own. I watched helplessly as my own family that i have grew up with die in front of my. I start to yell, why did we save her, why did we left her die, our own father just passed away and all you could do is ask her fucking questions!! i Was so mad at the family, but they knew that her time has come. I wanted everything in my power to bring her back. The nurse came in and check on my aunt and told us that she has passed on. My eyes filled with sorrow and hate. I wanted to go with her, i wanted her back. My beloved aunt! I wanted my grandfather back too. When we laid my grandfather to rest, i tried all in my power not to cry, we all went to the Indian res. Where my grandfather was apart of. I met so many family member and cried.

So death and me are no good!