fatherly Talk.

My trip to North bend was to talk about my feeling towards my father. The way that i fear men at his age when i was a child. Men that are in their 20's/30's and his current again 40's. When i first got his phone call that morning telling me to come to his house at 6pm, i was ready. I felt confident, strong, powerful. As i pulled up to my father's mobile home, all the feelings that i have suppressed over the years started to come forwards. Pictures in hand, i walked up the path, took a breath and knocked on his door. My father's girlfriend/mistress/the woman he had an affair with greeted me at the door. I asked where my father was she told me he went to the store and to have me wait for him. I sat there with my step brother, his two sisters and his mom. My step brother Ismael jr. Looks like me when i was younger. He is into video game like me. He is so funny. Gettin tall. Enter my father now from the store.


I Sit there, my heart racing, wondering what he was thinking, what he was going to do. I asked him finally if he was ready to talk about this. He needed to get dinner started and we can talk after. I sat there for an hour waiting til he finished. I said bye to my brother and his sisters and his mom as the left to their house. Then come one the biggest life changing things in my life. There in my father's living room we sat in quiet for a moment. I started off, "Dad i am here to talk to you about my life when i was younger and to ask you somethings." Dad why were you never involved in my life as a child and a teenager? He started with i was busy trying to support your family. Why couldn't you atleast try to come to some major events in my life that meant something to me. Like my District Swim meet or my State Meet.
Dad- You never invited me.
Me- That is not true dad, I wrote you a letter about where it was at and i called you 10 times to remind you.
Dad- Oh that was the time i called you to tell you i was going to be late and i left a message at the house but i think you were already gone.
Me- I looked for you at my meet, my brother's were there, my sister in law, nephew, sister, and mother. You could of came no matter how late you were. The fact is that you didn't come.
Dad- I guess i forgot about it.
Me- You could of called me the next day and explained why you didn't come.
Dad- i was busy.
Me- Why didn't you come to my graduation?
Dad- I did come.
Me- you only came to the house to say hi. I looked for you in the crowd, do you know how this makes me feel knowing that you were not there?
Dad- I was there, i was next to your mom.
Me- No, she told me you never came, even my sister told me. Why didn't you stay to greet me when they walked my class to the football field.
dad- What is in your hand?
Me-Pictures of me and my boyfriend, would you like to see them?
dad- (thinking)........No i'm not ready for that.
Me- ok, well dad i want to tell you that i fear you and i need this talk to clear up things in my life, Why did feel like in was necessary to hit us kids?
Dad- I didn't always hit you, When i did i knew you need it. It was going to make you stronger.
Me- Stronger dad... It made me fear you, hate grew within me. I feared for my life at times, remember when you would bear infront of other family members?
Dad-i never beat you infront of members of our family. I always took you aside and hit you.
Me-Dad that is a lie, Ask any of our family members they will tell you that i was the one who go hit the most for no reason.
dad- I hit everyone the same.
Me- Do you know how that makes me feel when you hit my mother in front of me? Do you know how many times i wanted to hurt you, to make you feel the pain you gave to the only one that loved me?
Dad- Are you blaming me for you being a Fag, a queer, a gay?
Me- No, i don't blame you for me being gay, I blame you for never telling me that your proud of me, hugging me, or telling me you love me. Never showing emotion.
Dad- I am sorry. (starts to cry) I'm sorry for the life i raised you. For not being there. Do you know what our family went thru when you were young?
Me- You made the money and mom stayed home til us kids were old enough to help take care of the money.
Dad- I wanted 12 kids, a house, a farm with lots of animals. When i met your mother she already had 2 kids that i claimed as my own, after your sister was born you mother didn't want any more kids (me- I don't blame her) times were tough for us. I would only have 10 dollars after all the bills were paid, i would get drink off of 10 dollars do you know how much i would drink?
Me- yes you can drink a lots with 10 dollars... It's called happy hour and cheap beer.
dad- Your a smartass, but the greatest thing i loved when you kids were younger was after dinner everyone would eat ice cream.
Me- i never got ice cream, what dream are you living in?
Dad- We always had ice cream and would watch unsolved mysteries.
Me- well i don't remember that. why did you cheat on mom.
dad-She told me that she wanted to see other people.
Me- Why did you bring your mistress to Disneyland with us?
dad- I don't know... (thinks) Maybe i needed help with the bill.
Me- Dad, can you accept me as your son and my lifestyle?
Dad- ....... I don't think i can.

Thus i told my father bye and thank you for having this talk with me. He gets up, Hugs me and tell me he loves me.

Overall my talk was ok. i got to hear things about my life and things that was sorry and things that would of changed!