Emotional....pt 2.

How emotional can one person get? How many beers or drinks does it take to make the pain you feel go away? Does one ignore this feelings and still pretends to think that everything is well?

This past week has been very emotional. Yelling, screaming, crying, and many talks. I have been working more on sharing my feelings. Monday when we went to gay skate John felt that he was skating by himself and that I was paying more attention to my friend. I did skate with him but I was there to skate and have fun. The emotional John came out that night. He was angry and upset that I didn't spend much time with him at skate. That he was the third wheel. But how can I really spent time with him if he doesn't want to talk about the things I like.(Fashion, music, etc. ) I will admit that I felt bad that i didn't spent much time with him.

Thursday, I was caught in a lie. A lie that I twisted and turn until it got out of control. I hurt the person that loves me and i felt ashamed and even took my hurt and tried to hurt him back. He was answers and I wanted to shut myself down and not talk to him. I want to run away. I wanted to hide. I felt back to the times of a child where I feared my trust within my father and the wrongful ways he bought me up. I feared that John was going to get violence with me and try to hurt me. I know John would not hurt me.

We don't spend as much time as we use to. My weekends are getting filled up with potlucks, running, social events and shopping with friends. I do enjoy my times with my friends more than I do with John. Is that wrong for me....? I feel more at tone with them due to we enjoy the same things. But this weekend it was nice. John and I went to the dog park with the babies and had a blast. At first I was about to go crazy. It was very overwhelming and I am protected of the dogs. I do not want any other dogs attacking my babies. They did great and Sophia even got a lil wet. I do wish that we would of done more after the dog park. Like go to a movie or got lunch.

I do have to write about this part of the evening. At DHW, John commented that he would like for me to be a pilot so he could fly for free. I joking called him a jerk which he took to heart. When we got home we both broke down and cried and expressed our feeling. I was brought back and saw my father's face in my mind. I felt so bad.

I think we are getting better. I will be in Portland this week. I have been looking forward to see some good friends and family there! I think this mini break will help me reflect on myself!

Thanx for reading!