Emotional....

If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
— Rupaul

This past weekend these words hit me hard! I come from a hard working family that was not always supportive of each other. Many fights, name callings, scars and bruises left on our bodies. A break up of a family. A father's way of showing his love by beat you. A mother's pleaded to stop with the violence. And me, someone who over the years has masked his feelings about the way i feel. What your about to read is something I have never shared with anyone in my life expect for this weekend. This is something that might worry you and to let you know that I plan on taking steps to get help.

I have thoughts of suicide over the past few months. Taking my life. To end my life because I feel like I am a burden on society. myself esteem is low and I am not worthy of love. I take this on the part of my childhood. I was

never taught to show emotions. Hold them in until you are by yourself when you can release them. My release was

dance in high school. As modern dance was putting lots of emotions into your dance. I would search within myself

and summon the emotion I was going through to get it out and dance. But now that I haven't dance for a while those

feelings I have are coming out. Many of the bad childhood memories are coming back. The ones that haunt you. The

one you wish you could run away from. The ones you wished you could go back in time and change them.

I have found it hard to cope with them. I broke down this weekend. I told John that I have had thoughts about suicide.

It's not me taking my life, but someone else. Like i would be going on a run and a man would see me running and either

stab me to death or shoot me. Another one is when John and I are in the car.While going through a intersection a car

coming towards the passenger side where I am at, would crash into me killing me instantly. Leaving John to continue

to live. I have tired to mask these feelings/thoughts but can't seem to shake them. I have never opened up about this

part of my life before. It's a hard journey for me. Something that I have thought i 'd get over. But it seems that I can't.

Talking to my father in the past hasn't gave me end i needed. I need to start new. I need help. Support. Love. Care.

I am looking into therapy. Talking with a doctor about what I am feeling about and hope that something can make me

start feeling good again.

I am happy that I can write about this, I have wanted to write about this but didn't want to alarm anyone with it. It has

taken me a lot of courage to write about this. Deep within me there are two people. There is Derek the 24 yrs adult that

can take on anything. Also there is the lost Derek who is at the age of seven to twelve. That wants the childhood

memories of his father to go away. That wants happiness, love, to make someone proud, to give love. I hope this help

you understand that I am going through.

Much love.

Derek