To the man that left me

I've been reading this book called The man i might become. Which it's about gay men and the problems they have or have had with their fathers. Which got me to really miss my father and the time i never had with him. I called him yesterday to see what he was doing. Remember i never got along with my father and I'm the one trying to get closer to him. I got his voice recording., but he called me this morning and i told him i would call him on friday to talk more.


But today i wrote this in hope that on friday when i talk with him it will help anwsers my problems/questions.

Here goes.....

Dear Father,

For a part of my life something has been missing. YOU!! Part of me really dispies you for not being in my life or having encouraged my up bringing. i might have turned out different or i might have stayed the same. But when i needed you the most, you were never there. The times when i need a father and not my mother. The time when my body was chaning. All my life i just wanted to make you proud of me. And having that empty void in my life pretty much sucks.

I always wanted to be like you, get to know you,what you think like, be closer to you. I don't understand why you never got close to me or took me anywhere. i was your baby boy, and now you turned me into a lost boy. Lost that still needs helps. I'm envious of others people relationships with their fathers. "The close. caring, lets go out and do somethine type.". With my brothers and sister, it seems you always spent more time with them than me. Why is that? Was i not boyish enough? Did i scare you? Did i do something to hurt you? did you not care for me as much as they? I want to know why. Do you care for me? Do you love me? Do you want toe be in myl ife? I do need you in my life.

I'm sorry that we never been close. All the memories that i have of you seem so hurtful and distant in my mind, I don't need that badness in my body. I only wish that you feel the same.

Your son,

Leroy chavez