Home.. home on the...

Rain!!!!

Portland again is where my heart is. So many friends and Friend like family. I never knew exactly how much of an impact people here made me feel. Seeing old co workers, friend of friends and hanging out with Emmy, Garbanzo and the "GIRLS".(Think of when Rupaul say to drink back the girls from his show.) The weather here is still the same but has been sunny which is great. I have been enjoying my old stomping grounds. My friend Jim from Seattle came down for a conference. In Seattle we don't have anything like Silverado's in Portland. Male strippers in a gay club. They go all the way. Jim was very into it and had a blast with some of my friends here.

Portland you have not changed! I have missed you!

Emotional....pt 2.

How emotional can one person get? How many beers or drinks does it take to make the pain you feel go away? Does one ignore this feelings and still pretends to think that everything is well?

This past week has been very emotional. Yelling, screaming, crying, and many talks. I have been working more on sharing my feelings. Monday when we went to gay skate John felt that he was skating by himself and that I was paying more attention to my friend. I did skate with him but I was there to skate and have fun. The emotional John came out that night. He was angry and upset that I didn't spend much time with him at skate. That he was the third wheel. But how can I really spent time with him if he doesn't want to talk about the things I like.(Fashion, music, etc. ) I will admit that I felt bad that i didn't spent much time with him.

Thursday, I was caught in a lie. A lie that I twisted and turn until it got out of control. I hurt the person that loves me and i felt ashamed and even took my hurt and tried to hurt him back. He was answers and I wanted to shut myself down and not talk to him. I want to run away. I wanted to hide. I felt back to the times of a child where I feared my trust within my father and the wrongful ways he bought me up. I feared that John was going to get violence with me and try to hurt me. I know John would not hurt me.

We don't spend as much time as we use to. My weekends are getting filled up with potlucks, running, social events and shopping with friends. I do enjoy my times with my friends more than I do with John. Is that wrong for me....? I feel more at tone with them due to we enjoy the same things. But this weekend it was nice. John and I went to the dog park with the babies and had a blast. At first I was about to go crazy. It was very overwhelming and I am protected of the dogs. I do not want any other dogs attacking my babies. They did great and Sophia even got a lil wet. I do wish that we would of done more after the dog park. Like go to a movie or got lunch.

I do have to write about this part of the evening. At DHW, John commented that he would like for me to be a pilot so he could fly for free. I joking called him a jerk which he took to heart. When we got home we both broke down and cried and expressed our feeling. I was brought back and saw my father's face in my mind. I felt so bad.

I think we are getting better. I will be in Portland this week. I have been looking forward to see some good friends and family there! I think this mini break will help me reflect on myself!

Thanx for reading!

Project Runway Spoiler

Congrats to you Seth Aaron Henderson from the Couve of Washington State. His style is something i could wear. I love me some punk rock. As the judges said that they were polished and he has grown. I agree! I look forward to seeing some of his clothes out there soon!

Tick Tock..

Is my clock ticking...

Today i got to hang out with a friend from the Glee Flash mob. She has a 4 month old baby boy. Big blue eyes, blonde hair, Smile like the sunrise. In other words Adorable! We went out to have a great lunch and went shopping. We came into a children's clothing store called Crazy8. It had clothes from Newborns up to kids the age of five. I found this cute light blue button up sweater with a polar bear on it. I melted when i saw there. How much would that be to dress up your child! *sigh*

I guess i will keep day dreaming!

Gay's on Skates!

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner"

-Dirty Dancing-

Nothings say Fun like Roller skating. Yesterday night, John, my friend Sam and myself when to gay 80's night. Now I love anything 80's. In fact I live for it. Being a child of the ending 80's I love it. It was a blast. Music, Costume, Sister of the Church, Drag Queens, and the Village people were there. We also met up with Errol"rad homo" and his partner Jeff. I can skate well but those two were great. Speeding by other and "shaking what their mama gave them." The only thing I wished is that the music would of stayed to 80's instead of playing some of the now pop music. I did end up with some blisters and John was knocked down but one of the skaters who was trying to be fancy. Glad he only fell on his bottom! Other than that. I want to go again!

Child

As a child I longed for my father's love and affection. While my sister and brothers got to do the things they like with him. I always stayed with my mother. Did house work, cooked, shopping, and watch her put her make up on. I guess you could say that I was destined to be gay. But what I need was my father. He was always a Manly man. Hunting for deer, fishing/crabbing, working on the house/cars, and tending to all the farm animals. In a way as a child I wanted to do all the things he wanted. I want to have a farm, the ability to hunt or fish. To know about cars. But instead I know how to cook, dress, and clean. I have had moments with my father on being masculine like shooting guns.

I remember the first time I shot a gun with him. He shot first and told me watch how he

was holding the shotgun. His Left hand at the Forestock and his right hand on the trigger.

While the butt of the gun tucked away on his right armpit/chest. His standing position was

with his feet apart and his weight more toward the front. As he aimed for the target I stood

there in awe. That was broke by the loud sound of the shotgun blasting it's bullets from the

barrel of the gun. My father than handed me the gun. I took ahold of it. I felt dumb at first. I

never shot anything in my life until that gun. I got in the same stand as he did. One hand on

trigger and the other on the Forestock. I didn't know what to expect. As I pulled the trigger

I felt the force of the gun's power go into my body. I was hit with excitement and adrenaline.

I felt Manly and Powerful. Like I could one day go hunting with him. Maybe he could take me

camping with him and show me other skills i could us. But after this time we spent together

as it started it didn't last.

When my father would come home from work. I wanted to hug him. I want to talk with him about his day. But sadly I was pushed away with all the chores of keeping the house and farm up to date. As well as the other children in my family. Mostly my sister. She was daddy's lil girl. While I just wanted to spent a moment with him that i could carry into my life. I have none.

Baby...

Full name: Amelia(Amy) Bertrand Carroll

Age 12.

Named after both John and Gene's grandmothers. Amelia enjoys sleeping all day, eating, laying in the sun, quiet time, attacking showers, growling when people hug and more sleeping. She was a gift to John from Gene for his graduation after 4 years of college. Both Amelia's parents are champions in dog shows. As puppy Amelia has been a good dog, some might say a great dog. She likes to cuddle, she's lovable, and a very obedient quiet dog. She only took about 2 months to potty train and seldom has had a accident after that. When John first made contact with Amy his thought was, "she was adorable, sweet and kind." There were about three other puppies in her litter, and she was the only black colored schnauzer in the litter. When the breeder asked John to the puppy room, the breeder took Amy out of the puppy pen and sat her on the floor , Amy immediately went to John who was sitting on the floor and climbed into his lap. John fell in love.

One of Amy's greatest characteristic is that she listens. She also will reply with a growl or a bark. One of John's greatest memories is traveling with Amy to Sonoma County and walking around town with her. She would growl and sniff, as she was excited to be somewhere new.

When Amy first met Sophia she first sniffed the puppy than looked at John with a WTF face. Amy knew she was going to be in for trouble. When Amy was a baby, she did play chase with the cat Maggie. Maggie would hide behind a corner somewhere. As Amy came closer, Maggie would spring onto Amy's back to scare her then run away. In closing Amelia is the best dog in the world!